I'm Going, Going Back, Back to Cali, Cali

That is a lyric from the Notorious B.I.G.'s last album, one I memorized in high school, but the point I am trying to make is that Mark and I are moving to Beaufort on Friday. We are so excited to be moving out of purgatory (A.K.A. Roanoke) and back near family. We got a sweet offer that was too good to pass up, and it was truly an answer to our on-going, tireless prayers. I am so glad to be near the beach again. I can't tell you how badly I have missed it. I hate the mountains. They make me feel claustrophobic.

Ben's German Lullaby

I have been thinking of a song I could sing to Ben when he is getting ready to go to sleep or when he is peacefully eating. I don't particularly like the generic lullabies that are out there, nor do I want something that is popular today, so my song choice seems dated. I wanted a classic song that sounds good with accompaniment or without. I kept thinking of this one song that I sang in my high school choir, and that is the song I ended up with. Here are the lyrics and a video of a choir singing it.

Die Nachtigall

Music by Felix Mendelssohn
Lyrics taken from a poem by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Die Nachtigall, sie war entfernt,
The nightingale, she was far away,

Der Frühling lockt sie wieder;
the spring lures her back;

Was neues hat sie nicht gelernt,
she has learned nothing new,

Singt alte liebe Lieder.
she sings the same old love songs

Making News: Savannah Style

Oh, was I excited to see that Savannah's own WJCL has their own reality show on the TV Guide Channel for being the worst rated newscast in their market. I didn't realize how bad it would make me miss my old ghetto local news station. The highlight of the premiere episode was the arrival of Lindy Brannen to the station. He left the prestigious channel WSAV because of contract conflicts. Another familiar name was Paula Deen, who was in the news because of a protest outside of her restaurant. She is somewhat of a media whore in my opinion, and I don't really love her restaurant. It is too expensive and grossly unhealthy. Savannah should have more prestige than just where Paula Deen lives. Has everyone forgotten Johnny Mercer, or Forrest Gump, or the Civil War? Even the founder of the Girl Scouts is a claim to fame. It is so sad to me when people find out that I am from Savannah and they say, "Oh, do you know Paula?" Why in the world should I know her? That is ridiculous. Anyway, if you don't get that channel, I think you can find the episode on youtube or aol video. It is worth your time.

The Old Me

When I was pregnant, I was the freakin' Zen Master. You could slap me in the face, and I wouldn't get upset. I felt dead inside and I must say that it felt really peaceful. However, lately I have started regaining my old feelings of frustration, anger and rage thanks to my new birth control. I never have done well on birth control, but I am serious about sticking to it now that I know that I am a fertile myrtle, regardless of the consequences. To illustrate the difference, before I had Ben I was at home one afternoon when a realtor came barging into my house without knocking and I didn't pull my gun on her or report her to her broker for being a rude piece of trash. Since taking birth control, I had a nervous breakdown when Mark didn't hook in the car seat correctly so Mom and Mr. Jerry loaned us their car until we move away from Roanoke. When Mark asked me to turn off the fan while still in bed, I replied by screaming, "Who do you think you are?" and continued my walk into the kitchen to fix a bottle. The last adjectives that have been used to describe me have been "ruthless" and "mean." I can't help it, but I can't stop the birth control. It isn't always pleasant to be fertile.

Baby's First Restaurant and Other Adventures

Yesterday was a big day in the life of Ben. He went to the doctor's office for his 1 month well-baby visit and he passed his first standardized test with flying colors. He is now 23 3/4 inches, which means he is taller than 95% of all 1 month old babies. When he was born he was 22 1/4 inches, and he was taller than 99% of all babies! Can you believe that? When he gets older, I will never have to struggle to reach for something on the top shelf again. He got his second Hep B shot (out of three) and he did really well, only crying for a second and then I gave him a pacifier and held him tightly and he stopped crying instantly. The nurse commented on how well-behaved he is and contributed it to our calm demeanor around the baby. I guess they see a lot of harried new moms and dads. Oh, and he weighs exactly 11 pounds.

After that, we went to Panera Bread for lunch, which marked Ben's first restaurant outing. He was perfect. He slept through the whole lunch, giving Mark and I a peaceful meal. Afterwards, we went into the mall so Mark could get a haircut. I held Ben, and he slept through that event as well. Mark didn't come out of it so unscathed. The girl jacked up his haircut and now he looks like a military man or like someone that should own a motorcycle. Mark is pretty depressed about it, but I told him that it will grow really fast.

Also, Ben has been sleeping an extra 1 to 2 hours every time I lay him down. Mark thinks it is because of the vaccine, but I think it could be a blessing from God. He eat last night at 9:30 and didn't wake up until 2:30! I got 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and for a new mom, that is heavenly.

It has been a long time...

I realize now that it has been six months since I have blogged. I have had a little bit of a distraction in the form of a 10 pound birth named Ben to deal with, but now that he is here and I am getting in the swing of things, here are some of my thoughts (mostly mommy thoughts, so prepare).

1. I am amazed at how much Ben urinates and how little he poops. I catch myself meditating on this very issue more hours than I would like to admit, and when baby books do not specifically address this issue, I render them useless. He pees before and after he eats, which is about every three hours. We are talking about 16 diaper changes per day and at least three outfit changes because he soaks through everything. He eats 4 ounces of formula and an ounce of water/prune juice mix every feeding, and his little diaper cannot hold that much liquid. It is remarkable.

2. I realize that most women romanticize motherhood because they usually have children that are in high school, or at least middle school, and they long for the days that their little boy smelled like baby lotion and would let them snuggle with them for hours. Now their boys smell like, well, boys and they won't even let their mothers walk beside them in the mall. However, I feel like the type of person who never sees things for more or less than it really is, I see things the way they are and don't feel the need to go back in time and relive a "golden time" in my life. I wasn't overwhelmed with roller coaster emotions during my prom, my high school graduation, my choir concerts, my college graduation, my wedding, any number of my moves. I will make the exception for Ben's birth. I was not wired with the hormone that helped me forget my ordeal and I will never forget that time. I cried the night before we checked into the hospital because I knew that it would be incredibly difficult and it was. I won't ever lie about that.

3. I am horrified by my body. No matter what size clothes I wear or what I do to smooth down my stomach, my body looks and feels like a train wreck. I know this seems ridiculous to say only a few weeks after birth, but I felt this way a day or so after Ben was born, and I feel it now. The saddest part is that I somehow know that I will never be happy with my body again. I am very motivated to lose the weight that I gained, but the horrific stretch marks and sagging skin will most likely never fade away. I was always so fond of my skinny waist. I am truly mourning the loss.

4. I have realized that it takes frighteningly little for me to become psychotic. I went 60 hours with no more than 1.5 hours worth of sleep at a time and I was starting to plan my escape. I was so tired that I started fantasizing that I would just plop Ben into Mark's arms, run out the door and never come back. Having fantasies about running away from a helpless 1 month old and a helpless 26 year old is pretty horrible.

5. You hear about how sweet and rewarding it is when your baby smiles at you for the first time, but you are never prepared for it. Ben has started smiling at me when I talk to him and I am in love. More in love than I could have ever imagined. Last night, he was dozing off in my arms and he placed his hand on top of mine and fell asleep with it there. I put up the picture so you can see how special the moment was for me.

Baby's First Photos

Here are some pictures from the sonogram yesterday. It is definitely a little boy, and Mark and I couldn't be happier that he looked happy and healthy in there. I can't wait to see him!

Me at 19 weeks

Okay, so here it is. After several thousand attempts at a decent picture, I finally got one that I was willing to post on the internet. I look bigger on the picture than I thought I looked. Depressing. Anyway, hopefully this will suffice as my official look for a while. Be kind when commenting, I am very hormonal!

The Fun Part

I have been thinking a lot about all the ways that parents get to decide how a child is formed into an adult. We can all think of ways that our parents chose to shape us, and there are occassions where those decisions seemed to have come from an acid trip or the wild imaginings of a crazy person. I tend to think that mothers especially find delight in controlling different aspects of their child's life because they have little control of their own life when they are going through pregnancy. Since Halloween just past, children's costumes have been on my mind for the past few days, and I wonder why the prospect of dressing my child up as some kind of animal or vegetable makes me happier than I have been in weeks. Why would I purposefully humiliate my child for the sake of a bunch of "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" from me and other strangers? I know there will be lots of pictures that will be taken and my child will have to live with the evidence of his or her mother's cruelty every time he or she sees a picture of them as an infant dressed as a pea in a pod or clown fish. However, this does not hinder any of my plans for future Halloween costumes. It gets worse. I heard about someone's kid refusing to wear the costume he picked out for Halloween, so his mother had to improvise and make a homemade costume that wasn't as cute. The first thing that went through my mind was, "Why do kids have to ruin everything?" Clearly, when it comes to kids, free will is very threatening to me.

Mark and I almost get excited when we think about the moment in our child's life when he or she becomes an adult and realizes that half of the things they thought were normal about their childhood were most definitely not normal. I have had several of those moments, and do not think that any child should have that taken from him or her.

There are so many things that parents have to take so seriously when it comes to raising their child, that the only way that they can still find joy in it is to find humor in the whole process every chance they get. I am really excited to have that experience.

Baby-Brewing Update

I realize that I have seriously neglected my blog, which is partly due to my new job having a block on this website (boo!) and the fact that we JUST got set up for the internet at home didn't help the situation.

My belly is increasing almost exponentially, and I am sure that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with all of the candy that I am inhaling. At first I had to have the sour punch straws that I used to eat at the movie theater, but now I can't get enough of sweet tarts. I love them. Mark yells at me because I have eaten almost all of our Halloween candy. We don't have enough to pass out! Oh, well.

I have had a few scary pregnancy things happen, but my nurse always reassures me calmly without making me feel like a crazy person, even though I am a crazy person when it comes to what I think are emergency situations. I have to constantly remind myself that pregnancy is one of the most natural processes of human life, but I usually feel like my belly is a ticking timebomb filled with innumerable ways to hurt me or my rapidly growing fetus.

I have my next appointment a week from tomorrow. This is the big one, when I find out if the baby is growing properly and what the gender is. I am really excited, and I know everything will be fine. Mark and I made the decision to not have any tests that require probing anywhere near my baby. I don't want to risk hurting the baby just to find out if there are any major medical problems that we can't fix anyway.

I am still planning on transitioning from working in a cubicle to working at home. I get tired way more easily now and I can't really control my hormones, whether it manifests in hot flashes, migraines, fits of anger or bouts of apathy for anything. I really like my job, which makes the transition harder because I don't really want to leave. I like all the ladies there and I feel appreciated for my hard work. But I really want to wear pyjamas every day.

Well, that is my update for now. I will have more to say next week after the doctor's appointment. Thanks for checking back even though I have been negligent. I promise to be better.

So Infuriating...

Today at work I have absolutely nothing to do, which is pretty typical, so I start looking at the city data for my town here in Virginia. I go along and look at the median incomes, real estate values, ages, etc. I get to the bottom of the page and it says there are 27 registered sex offenders in my town. I click on it, and there it was. A name and a crime of a person that lives three houses away from me. I was completely disgusted by this, even though I was relatively sure that I was going to find someone in that list of names that lived on my street. Can't explain it, just one of those feelings.

I would recommend that everyone look up this information on www.city-data.com. I checked my family's areas in Georgia, but I don't know all of the nearby streets in their respective towns. There is a link to the person's rap sheet off of the list, which gives all of their information, including work address, other names, and their record.

This particular offender was charged for two counts of aggravated sexual battery. In the state of Virginia, this means sexual abuse (fondling) of the victim by force and against the will of the victim, AND/OR serious bodily or mental injury to the victim results AND/OR the assailant uses or threatens use of a weapon.

I am truly disgusted and angry that he disrupts my feeling of peace in Virginia. Now, I am going to be extra careful about being alone in my house, going outside at night, and bringing attention to myself. These are things that I haven't had to do in months, since I moved out of Savannah.

This might sound like a PSA, but I can't make it any more clear about how upset I am that my baby has to come into a world where such violent criminals are so close.

A Shared History

For my birthday, I received a card from my grandmother. Inside was not the traditional five dollar check that most grandmothers send, but an article that she cut out from a magazine. I don't remember the author of the article or the publication, but the sentiment behind the article has been with me ever since I read it. The author was making an observation on one of the many roles of a mother, one that might be overlooked or unrealized by most people. He said that mothers are the historians of their children's lives. We give them a sense of where they came from so that they can know where to go in life.

I started thinking about the importance of knowing my own family history, knowing "where I came from," even though there are parts that I might not necessarily want to acknowledge all of the time. I am grateful for all of the stories of scandal and southern color that have enriched my life, and I have a deep pride for my family heritage. I realize that I want to give my children the same amount of pride and a strong foundation of knowing who they are before they can discover who they will be in the future.

That being said, I would like to start documenting my family's history as I know it. I will require a lot of help, since my memory is not as good as it should be. I know that there are some things that only I can tell, personal experiences that are unique to what I went through. There are other stories that are not mine to tell, and I will leave those out of the project. I want my children to know who Jernigan was, and Aunt Lula Mae, and Sonny with his greasy hair and ukulele. These stories are like precious gems in my memory and I would like to give that gift to my children.

The Impossible Dream

I was always told that when you dream about being pregnant, it means there is a new idea forming inside of your mind. It never means that you are actually pregnant. So when I dreamed I was pregnant about a month ago, I thought nothing of it. I dreamt that my cousin Melanie, who is currently pregnant, was talking to some of my other family members, and I came out of the bathroom really excited and told her that I was pregnant too. We were happy that we were going to be pregnant together. I woke up and found that dream to be really funny, commenting to Mark that I would have to get pregnant soon to make that dream real, since Melanie was due in November. Little did I know I was already three weeks pregnant.

A week or so after that, I dreamt that I was in a delivery room, but I wasn't the one having a baby. I looked up at the hospital bed and saw Kirsten screaming at the doctor, who was standing in the doorway, refusing to let anyone get close to her. I decided to take charge of the situation and took the doctor's position and demanded that she push. Jon was still at work, so I called him and told him to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. He didn't want to leave work, but I forced him to leave. I cleaned up the baby and he was so darling. He had dark eyes, dark hair, big cheeks, and a big toothless smile. When I woke up, I felt like I had saved the day.

A few days ago, Micah called me and told me that she dreamt about my baby. She told me that it was going to be a boy, and it was going to have brown hair, brown eyes, and big cheeks with a big toothless smile. Apparently, the baby is going to look just like me since Mark has red hair and green eyes!

The last dream that I had was last night, which was the most vivid pregnancy dream I have had. I had nightmares all night long because Mark made me watch a Werner Herzog documentary about a man that was a prisoner of war during Vietnam. The one that shook me up the worst was actually not a nightmare. I was at a Huddle House with my dad. He wanted me to meet a woman that he met. She was not very lady-like, kind of rough around the edges, so I tried to show my disapproval by making bad faces at my Dad. He didn't say anything about my response, but kept looking at his menu. I tried to figure out what would not make me throw up in there, and I realized that I had not told my dad about my pregnancy. I looked up at him and said, "Dad, I forgot to tell you, but Mark and I are having a baby. I am two months pregnant and we are having a little boy." He looked so excited and touched my belly. He looked up at me and told me that he was so happy for me. We went back to my house and Mark asked me why I had bought alot of dried leaves, and I told him that I had a blank canvas and I was going to paint a picture. When I looked back at the canvas, my dad was walking away from it and he had painted a mountain next to a beach and in the corner was a bird about to take off in flight. I never saw my dad again, but as I looked closer at the bird, it was more like a bobcat with large wings, and I thought to myself that I would have not painted that because it looked too masculine. I woke up feeling so sad because I was happy that I was around my Dad, but it didn't really happen. I cried myself to sleep.

I don't know why my dreams have been so vivid since I have been pregnant, but it probably has to do with hormone changes and the fact that Mark and I are going through a huge transition right now. It is pretty amazing how much dreams can affect us and how much they can provide a feeling of resolution, when that feeling is impossible to have in our real life.

Whoa, Whoa Here She Comes...She's a Maneater

Today marks my seventh week of pregnancy, which is roughly half-way through my first trimester. I have realized that I don't feel "pregnant," unless by pregnant I mean extremely nauseous, irritable, out of breath, flabby, bloated, weak, and possess the ability to belch like a man. This might sound precious to the breed of women that long to have a being growing inside of them, who feel that the sacrifice is worth the outcome, or the kind of women who tried for a really long time to have a baby, and they feel that it is worth the inconvenience.

I am neither of those women. I try to embrace the earth mother/mother nature image, and I used to think that I would become one of those women who bathed in the bliss of gestation, but I do not and I will not. I am not jolly.

Mark says that I look at him as if I hate him, and that I pull away when he tries to touch me. The mix of irritability with pain is not a very good combination for a marriage, especially a new marriage. I know that, but cannot do anything about the situation. If I were in this much pain normally I would go to the emergency room, but the nurses just laugh and say that this pain is normal. I have six types of snacks in my drawer at work and have to eat about every thirty minutes or I feel nauseated and get horrible heartburn. I am worried because I know I am going to blow up like a balloon, but I can't stop eating. Needless to say, this is not a good day. The nurse told me that I should feel like myself in seven weeks. I am counting down. I will give an update then. That promise is the only thing that makes me feel better.

And, for the record, I would just like to say that I was tricked about the nature of pregnancy. My two cousins that recently went through their first trimester of pregnancy were not nauseated at all. That is not fair, even though one of them had more serious complications that were way more serious than my situation. But still.

Also, if you read this and sense a touch of a mood swing, I will give you that because my hormones are way out of whack. I have hot flashes and then bouts of bitter cold within a few minutes and all of my symptoms are a reaction to the progesterone that is running through my body. I get it, but I don't feel any better.

Battle of the Swatches

The first two swatches are the same pattern, just different colors. If I knew I was having a girl, I would go with the brown and pink because it is a little feminine. The last one is a closeup of the African pattern. What do you think?

Red and Wild is Your Theme!

I have found a few really cute bedding sets for the baby and I want to get everyone's opinion. Please keep in mind that I don't want to know the gender of the baby and I don't love overly gender-specific themes.

This first bedding set is from JC Penney and is called Waverly Baby Toile.

This is a close-up of the swatch of the bedding above. It has toile, polka dots, stripes, and solids.
This is called Tadpoles "Sofet as Pashmina" Neutral from Target.

This is called African Plains from Burlington Coat Factory's Baby Depot. It has a vintage feel.

I tried to get a close-up on the animals from the previous picture, but it is still hard to see!

This is called Ashbury by Banana Fish. It is really cute, but a lot more expensive than the others.

So, here are the ones that I have found so far. Tell me what you think!

My First Appointment

Yesterday was my first visit to the doctor's office for my prenatal checkup and first sonogram. The baby was still too small to see, but I was able to see my yolk sac (gross!) and my embriotical sac/membrane. I also got checked out thoroughly by the nurse and everything seemed to be fine. Mark was with me the whole time, and really interested in the free book that I got in my goodie bag from the doctor's office. The sonogram was interesting, even though the baby is too small to see. Mark and I thought we saw the baby's heart flicker, but the nurse said it was too early to determine what that blip on the screen was. After taking six vials of blood, some urine, and a pap smear, I was allowed to go and eat some dinner. My next appointment is on the 17th of August and hopefully it won't be as invasive as the last appointment. I thought I would have a picture to go with this post, but I will have to wait three weeks before I do. Overall, it was a good experience. I am excited to learn more about my baby, and I am really excited to get all of my stuff out of storage this weekend, see my family, and spread my stuff out in my new house.

Oh, and my due date is March 27, 2008!

A Place to Stretch Out

Today we are going to sign a lease on a cute little house just outside of Roanoke. We are really excited about being able to have our stuff with us and to relax a little. It has three bedrooms, an eat-in kitchen, a large bathroom with double sinks, and a big front porch. Here are some pictures. We move in on Wednesday.

This is the front of the house.

This is the view from the front door.

This is the side of the house.

So, we are ready to get settled in here in Roanoke. The people are nice, they have actual seasons here, and we are really happy here. Mark always said that he wanted to retire here, so now he gets to see if he wants to or not. The only thing we have to do here is mow the grass, so we are going to have to find a lawn mower!

Plum Vomit and Sesame Seeds

There are a lot of August birthdays in my family. I have come to the conclusion that the reason for this strange phenomenon is that there is something inherently romantic about Christmas: a roaring fire in a fireplace, candles burning, lights twinkling, a beautifully decorated house, thoughtful presents, family and friends visiting and sharing hilarious stories, etc. Apparently the members of my family cannot resist the charm of the holidays, so nine months later a baby enters the already large family.

Mark and I got married the day after Christmas, not so that we could miss the holiday season fertility period that seems to snare so many of us, but because we were so in love with each other that we simply could not wait anymore to be together. When we came up to Virginia, our bond seem to grow stronger and we became more relaxed and a lot more happier, even though we had been living in a hotel room together for weeks.

At the beginning of this month, we moved to an extended stay hotel, where we could spread out a little better and start cooking our own meals. On the fourth of July, we went to one of Mark's professor's house and watched them shoot off firecrackers. We drove back home slowly, pulling over to watch a few random fireworks every once in a while.

So far, all of this seems like random thoughts, I realize, but what pulls it all together was when I realized that I was pregnant and confirmed it yesterday by peeing on a special stick that told me I was before I could even flush the toilet. My baby is now the size of a sesame seed, and I am on week five of my forty week journey. I have to stay calm, even when I feel nauseated when I smell a magic marker, or when I throw up a plum in the bathroom at work, or when I cry when I read advice about not doing any heavy lifting. We don't have wills, a house, a big enough car, a plan for our lives, or a plan for the upcoming month. I don't know anything about parenting, except for what I have seen on Supernanny or The Dog Whisperer.

I always said that I didn't want to know the gender of my babies if I ever get pregnant. Now that I am having a baby, I think that I would like to try to not know. The only reason that you would need to know the gender is so that you could pre-buy gender specific clothing and accessories, but I think that it is good to not limit the colors and types of toys and accessories that a baby can play with because that is a cultural limitation that does not make sense to me. Whatever. I will have to be more active on my blog now, since Kirsten pointed out that we are apart and everyone is dying to know what is going on with the baby. I have my first sonogram planned for next Monday. Hopefully, there will be a picture to accompany my next post.

Photos of Hollins University

This is the walkway up to the library at Hollins University.



This is the library. It has five floors and is very beautiful inside and out.



This is the other part of the circle of grass in front of the library.



This is the view from the walkway, off to the right. The chapel is behind the tree.




This doesn't relate to my last post, but I thought you would like an update and photos.