I Lost My Glove in Chinatown

I was looking at my pictures of New York today, and it reminded me of a time when romance was at it's highest and inspiration was all around. What that really means is that Kevin and I were getting along and I could actually find words to put down on paper. I think that is why I am at my best when I am in a relationship. I feel uninspired when I am single or when the "newness" wears off of a relationship.

The day that I remember the most when we were in NY is when we went to Chinatown. It was so exciting to go behind fake walls and bargain with Asian people for designer bags and watches. During all of the madness, Kevin lost one of his gloves. As we were walking back to the main intersection to catch a cab, the wind was so bad that his hands were freezing. He found one glove and put it on, but he couldn't find the other one. It struck me funny, and I could not walk because I was doubled-over laughing. He had one gardener's glove on and one exposed hand, carrying a black garbage bag filled with watches, wallets, and purses. I composed myself and said, "The title of my first book will be: I Lost My Glove in Chinatown."

Letting Go

Sometimes the hardest thing in life that we must do is to let go. I know there are things that I must let go of, but I find this chore extremely hard to accomplish. I can't let go of anger, pain, the past, shame, my mistakes, fear...this list could go on for a while. I have heard that the worst thing that a person could do is to hold on to negative feelings because they will only hurt, not heal, you.

When my dad left, I was eight years old. I felt like my life was crashing down around me and I couldn't control any of it. Ever since then, I have taught myself to hold on to blame, anger, and pain because those things I could control. I could say how long I wanted to hold on to them, and I got to say when I would allow myself to forget about them. Now, I am realizing that even though my intention was to be in control, these feelings are, in fact, controlling me. Once, I thought I could decide to let them go, but now I know that I can't let go.

It is this realization that forces me to take this burden off of my shoulders, drop it on the ground, and walk away from it without ever looking back.

Kasey at work 

Always a Good Time

I am excited that my sisters and I are throwing a surprise party for my mom tomorrow. I think it will be fun to have the family gathered on a day when we wouldn't normally be together to honor, who I consider to be, the heart of this family.

My mom means a lot to me because there is nothing that she would deny me in this world. If I need to say something, she will listen. If I need something, she provides it. There are not enough examples to show just how much I respect and love my mom.

That goes for my entire family. I am so thankful to have such a beautiful, loving, supportive, intelligent, and fun family. I love that when we are all together, there is never a time when there isn't laughter in the room.

Never a Good Time

I always make excuses for not reading the assigned chapters in any classes. I tell myself that the problem is the lighting in my apartment, the lack of seating (if I lay down on my couch or bed, I fall asleep), or the utterly boring topics of the chapters. I blame it on my ADD or my lack of reading comprehension (I have the grade school test scores to prove it). However, the solution to my problem is simple yet complex.

If I created a perfect reading area in my house, I would say that the chair is uncomfortable or that the light from the lamp blinded me. I would say that it is too early in the day or too late in the afternoon. I would say that my favorite show is coming on and I would read after it went off, or that there are piles of dirty laundry that will just simply not clean themselves.

The pure fact of the matter is that I don't want to read. I don't have any idea why this may be. The answer is just beyond my reach. I cannot offer a clear explanation, but I do know that I firmly have this conviction. I really just do not want to read. This should be shameful for an English major to announce, but it is very true. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out a way to make me read my assigned chapters, and frankly, I am too tired to figure out where this mental block comes from. I wish I had the answers, but I don't. So there. I said it. I hate to read.

Past, Present, Future

While searching for a friend's blog on myspace.com, I stumbled a search for classmates. I entered both high schools that I used to attend and found several familiar faces. As I anonymously looked into their lives, I started questioning the path that my life had taken me in relation to the paths that my old classmates had taken. For instance, those who were not married were apparently going out to clubs and bars every night while college was just a hobby. The other ones seemed settled, in fact they were very settled, having several children, getting married, getting divorced, buying houses, starting promising careers.

I guess, since I have always been the youngest in every group that I was affiliated with, I have developed a "left behind" complex. This feeling came shooting forward in my head as I read profile after profile. Baby pictures, wedding pictures, engagement announcements, divorce decrees...it was just too much.

I feel like I am dropping behind in my life. Not that I feel that I am at all ready for marriage or a mortgage or certainly not a baby. However, I just feel like that these people who are roughly my same age are announcing big things in their lives so early that, when I have something major to announce, people will be uninterested or will think, "poor thing, it's about time."

Not that I care about what they think, it's just that sometimes I want to have a really big announcement that will blow everybody out the water and will merit a big celebration. I feel like sometimes, because I am the youngest, every milestone that happens to me is disregarded with a "been there, done that" attitude. Not that I feel neglected, but I crave a big impact sometimes.

I really don't know what this means.