I realize now that it has been six months since I have blogged. I have had a little bit of a distraction in the form of a 10 pound birth named Ben to deal with, but now that he is here and I am getting in the swing of things, here are some of my thoughts (mostly mommy thoughts, so prepare).
1. I am amazed at how much Ben urinates and how little he poops. I catch myself meditating on this very issue more hours than I would like to admit, and when baby books do not specifically address this issue, I render them useless. He pees before and after he eats, which is about every three hours. We are talking about 16 diaper changes per day and at least three outfit changes because he soaks through everything. He eats 4 ounces of formula and an ounce of water/prune juice mix every feeding, and his little diaper cannot hold that much liquid. It is remarkable.
2. I realize that most women romanticize motherhood because they usually have children that are in high school, or at least middle school, and they long for the days that their little boy smelled like baby lotion and would let them snuggle with them for hours. Now their boys smell like, well, boys and they won't even let their mothers walk beside them in the mall. However, I feel like the type of person who never sees things for more or less than it really is, I see things the way they are and don't feel the need to go back in time and relive a "golden time" in my life. I wasn't overwhelmed with roller coaster emotions during my prom, my high school graduation, my choir concerts, my college graduation, my wedding, any number of my moves. I will make the exception for Ben's birth. I was not wired with the hormone that helped me forget my ordeal and I will never forget that time. I cried the night before we checked into the hospital because I knew that it would be incredibly difficult and it was. I won't ever lie about that.
3. I am horrified by my body. No matter what size clothes I wear or what I do to smooth down my stomach, my body looks and feels like a train wreck. I know this seems ridiculous to say only a few weeks after birth, but I felt this way a day or so after Ben was born, and I feel it now. The saddest part is that I somehow know that I will never be happy with my body again. I am very motivated to lose the weight that I gained, but the horrific stretch marks and sagging skin will most likely never fade away. I was always so fond of my skinny waist. I am truly mourning the loss.
4. I have realized that it takes frighteningly little for me to become psychotic. I went 60 hours with no more than 1.5 hours worth of sleep at a time and I was starting to plan my escape. I was so tired that I started fantasizing that I would just plop Ben into Mark's arms, run out the door and never come back. Having fantasies about running away from a helpless 1 month old and a helpless 26 year old is pretty horrible.
5. You hear about how sweet and rewarding it is when your baby smiles at you for the first time, but you are never prepared for it. Ben has started smiling at me when I talk to him and I am in love. More in love than I could have ever imagined. Last night, he was dozing off in my arms and he placed his hand on top of mine and fell asleep with it there. I put up the picture so you can see how special the moment was for me.
