Leaving What I Know

Starting around the time when I was in middle school, I would pray for my husband. I had a long laundry list of things that I wanted in a husband, down to his height, eye color, hair color, profession, demeanor, etc. I would fall asleep before I rattled off everything, but I am sure that God turned His attention elsewhere before I did. As I got older, I would pray that my current boyfriend would change this or that about his personality so that he could be well-suited for husband material. These were not small character flaws; I would ask for things only God could do, like "Please make him stop selling drugs," or "Please make him stop living in his parents' house," or "Please make him stop shouting profanities at me when he gets mad."

A few years ago, I was dating someone who I thought was the person I was supposed to marry. When I realized that God had not made him stop shouting profanities at me or even love me more (which was another fervent prayer I often did), I decided to change my approach. I prayed that God would take him away if he was not supposed to be mine. This changed my perspective from holding on tightly to the wrong person to releasing the wrong person and allowing the right person to find me. It sounded like a huge move in the faith department, and I guess it was, but when God did take him from me, I was devastated. I had a lot of emotional grief to work through and a lot of soul-searching, but eventually, I did work through it.

After that, I would immediately start praying that prayer when I met someone. That way, I always knew that I was with the right person for the moment, and that if we broke up, God was going to provide me with someone better. When Mark and I found each other in April, I started praying that prayer. We decided that we really were not in the right mindset to date someone, so that provided an opportunity for us to become closer friends than I had ever had with a guy. We told each other things about our lives that we had never really revealed to anyone else, and when we realized that we still had feelings for each other after all of that, we knew we had to be together. I was so skeptical of him from the beginning. I had always liked him in school, but he just did not seem to be the person I had been praying for all of these years. I thought that his genuine care and compassion was an act, his good-humored nature was fleeting, and his love for me was a scam. I realized, finally, that I knew nothing about love or relationships, and God knew that, so he completely ignored my laundry list and gave me exactly what I needed, not asked for.

The process of dating, becoming engaged, and marrying my husband made me realize that I don't know a lot more than I know about myself, relationships, God, and life in general. I do know that God's plan for me defies my logic, is better than anything I could have asked for, and definitely includes Mark. In two days, I am moving to Lyons, GA. We will be there for five months, then we move to Roanoke, VA for six weeks, then we are moving to Los Angeles for a year. If we love it, we will stay longer. If we hate it, we will come back to Lyons because Mark has his job secured after this next year. We don't know how we are going to accomplish any of it, but we are planning on looking out for the path that God has set for us. We both have realized that making a laundry list for God to fulfill limits what He can do for you. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that God does not need you to help Him guide your path in life. Thank God I don't have that ability.