When did that happen?
The moment that I became so self-conscience.
I find myself obsessed with my looks, even though not enough to change the things I don't like about my appearance. I worry about what I will say, or what I do, or what I look like. I worry that I won't have friends or that I will never get married, or that I will and be miserable. I have doubts about my abilities as a writer and as a woman and as a friend.
I know that I teeter on the fence of being over-analytical, but I feel that my life isn't starting yet. I will be turning 23, something that I JUST figured out a few days ago, and that number is like an alarm clock set on midnight. I don't know why 21 or 22 didn't do that to me. There is no explanation for this change, except for seeing all of my friends "grow up." Those friends that I used to have that still spend their days laying by a pool and going out to clubs at night have all fallen by the wayside in my life, mostly because I do not have anything in common with them anymore. If I compared where I am with them, I probably would feel right on track. I hate that I freak out like this, especially when I know everything will be fine, but mostly because I don't like always waiting for life to start until I look back and see that I have wasted my life waiting.
Once I graduate, I would like to know where I will be working and living. Then, I will go on to my personal life and try to sort through all of that. I see "child brides" getting everything together at the age of nineteen and wonder what is going on with me. I always wanted to be a relatively young mom, but that number just keeps getting pushed back. A few years ago, I used to wish for a miracle so that I would be married and pregnant, but obviously that did not happen. I don't even know why I used to wish that. Maybe that is how I define worth.
This entry, as most of my entries, is not really going anywhere, but I know that I am starting to feel WAY overwhelmed with the internship, classes, and work, so I am venting.
About Me
- Kasey
- I am a writer who just finished her MFA in Creative Nonfiction at Converse College. I have a wonderful husband, Mark, and a beautiful son, Ben, who is three years old. We live in Savannah, Georgia with our puppy, Millie.
Mark and Me
My Birthday
5 comments:
What a normal person you are! I wish I had been so introspective when I was twenty-three. When I was your age, I had two children and did not have a clue about the twists and turns that life would bring me. Things will happen in their own time and it will be right. Those that you think have it all together are struggling with identity questions too, trust me.
I agree with Alicia. Those child brides who have it all together actually don't have a clue where they're going and are just and confused and frightened about life as you are.
I too feel like my life hasn't started and will not begin until I finally graduate school, but other times I think how silly that is because obviously we all have already began life.
I think I'm so obsessed with reaching what I deem a "settled" life, which is really absurd because if I died tomorrow, would I still think I hadn't started my life yet, or would I be thankful for everything that happened along the way?
Life is never settled, I don't think anyway. Since I have so many years on both of you, I can tell you about my experience. In many ways, I am still the same person I was in elementary school. I have spent many years waiting to become the person I always thought I should be; only to realize that I already am that person. In some ways, I think we waste a lot of time rehearsing for life and far to little time actually living it.
I keep this as a recurring theme. I never feel satisfied because I don't dedicate enough time to working my life out in my head. There are just too few hours in the day. I know that this feeling is triggered when I am single. Kevin and I talked for about four hours last night and we just laid it all out. I told him that when we were dating, I knew that we were going to get married. When we broke up, I felt like I had misjudged our relationship severely and that I had wasted precious time. He felt the exact same way, and deep down, I still feel like we will end up together. He was so jealous that I had gone out with Mark, but he was frustrated because he no longer has the right to tell me that I can't go out with guy friends. Whatever. It will work out. I just wish that I could see a clear resolution. I think I would like to write a story about my relationship with Kevin called, "My Journey to You." It would show how clear my path has been to him, but the ending would have to be contrived because there is no fairy tale ending. Watch out for that in the future.
Huh. This is all very interesting to me. I don't think we really tackled any of these issues while we were on the trip because, well, we were on the trip.
I find it really odd that we think that life starts when we finish school. I mean, if we go to grad school, we're talking about almost one-third of our lives that is taken up "preparing for the real world." Odd, huh? Because the real world is happening everyday. When we brush our teeth, when we pick out our clothes, when we drive to work. That's life.
I've realized that I'll never be completely happy with someone else until I'm happy alone. Okay, maybe not happy, maybe not even content, but at least satisfied with the way my life is going. But I will always aim to make myself adaptable to change. Which is all much easier said than done, obviously.
Sorry. Longwinded. But I'm going through a lot of the same things right now. And I'm realizing that the things I'm worrying about have always been the things I've worried about -- my appearance, my future career, my future husband, my future kids. Same old things. That I'll probably be worried about even when I attain them...
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