So Breakable

This post goes along with my last post. After a long day of consoling, grieving, and caring for my tear-stained sister and her two shocked and sullen boys, I came home to my precious dog, Buster. I love him so much and it is hard to think of a life without him. I feel like there are too many balls to juggle, too many tasks to cross off the to-do list. I sacrifice a little bit of everything in my life just to deal with my life. The worst part of this day come in two parts: the beginning when I got the 7:40 a.m. call alerting me to the death of Taco and the end when I got a random message from a stranger.

Someone sent me a random message letting me know that I look great now, because in high school, he thought I was "kinda big." Then he said right after that: "no offense." This comment is harmful to me for a couple of reasons:
1) I feel overwhelmed, so I am already weepy.
2) I tread on very thin ice when it comes to body image, and it hurts me to realize that such an ignorant comment could shake me so badly.

I am sad that something said so flippently could shake my self-confidence. I am sad that the quiet, constant whisper of my self-conscience in high school is reappearing after years of pushing it out of my head. "Does everybody think that I am fat?" I look at my pictures and there seems to be reflected this constant struggle with getting my body to conform to the current standards of beauty. I hated my breasts in school because I was the only one who had a D cup, so I was either labeled a slut or not thin. I hated my butt because guys would always comment on the shape and size as I walked down the hallways. I hated my arms because they were so thin and so weak. I hated my thighs because I couldn't wear the sundresses that were so popular. There were so many limitations that came with my body type. It was only in college that I learned how to work with them and then I really started to believe that my body type was actually what was desirable. I thought that I had a truly feminine shape that men are attracted to. I believed that so much that I started attracting guys who would reaffirm my new confident body belief. I finally started attracted guys that were not a step down for me, guys that were good for me. I started realizing that there was more to me than this body that was provided, and that I could maneuver around it so expertly that no one would notice that I now had even bigger breasts and even more curves. I actually believed that this was the best I have ever looked because I was the most comfortable with myself than I have ever been.

It is sad when you realize all of that growth can be shattered by a word, an ignorant moment, a suggestion. The self-doubt that was so meticulously buried comes back to the surface and the burden is once again strapped to my already over-worked shoulders. One word proves that I am so breakable.