I am finding that the process of trying to uncover another person's motives is impossible to do, and too insane to attempt. As I try to peel back the layered onion that is my family's history, I get so frustrated when I can't figure out why people did the things they did (or didn't do anything about the things that other people did). The fact is, you can never know for sure without asking, and that is not always an option.
I rarely assume correctly when trying to determine people's motives. I often have a hard time figuring out my own, so figuring out someone else's seems absurd. Regardless, I find myself constantly obsessing over why people do what they do. I watch television shows surrounding motives, the "big reveal" at the end of every novel is about motive, people confessing at the end of their lives seems to provide peace and release for them and those around them. What is it about motives that are so captivating?
I don't know what the big deal is, but I wear myself out trying to figure some people out. Why? I ask myself that a lot, and I think that the honest answer is that I would rather not demonize someone if I don't have to. I would rather not put people in a clean, small box and be done with them. I have to know why people do the things they do because the messy truth is always more compelling than the nice outward appearance that covers it.
I realize that I am speaking in a vague, general way here, but I guess what I want to say is that it is hard when people create a polite distance instead of being who they really are. I understand the need for polite distance. I do it all the time. I don't allow many people to know my messy truth because people can really do damage with the facts of someone's life. I don't think that very many people live their life publicly so that everybody can rummage around and draw conclusions. It would be way too painful. Still, I possess the need to be understood, as most human beings do.
There is no thesis or conclusion to this post, just some thoughts that have been rolling around for a while. Feel free to share your thoughts.
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5 comments:
Liking your insight. Still letting it germinate while other folks chime in.
Are you talking about anyone in particular? I'm just nosy.
I understand completely and have a similar struggle in my relationships. I am learning that it is a struggle to desire honesty from others and also be an example of openness in my relationships. I must be an example to gain trust. Yet, it leaves me vulnerable and open for things I have a hard time receiving: critique, love, compliments, wounds....good or bad they are all hard to accept when I am figuratively naked.
I am not really speaking specifically about one person, just in general. I find myself wrestling the most with conflicts with other people that I cannot read. Yet, I have been told that I am hard to read myself, so I don't know if I have the room to complain about other people. I just wish I didn't struggle with hidden meanings and agendas, trying to figure out other people's codes (what do they REALLY mean when they say that?), and nagging doubt about if people really like me or not. Just insecurity.
I like you and hope you have a great weekend.
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