Breaking Up is Hard to Do

...well not really.

The thing that is difficult is the pity looks, the urge to over-analyze the decision, and the reaquaintance with single life.

The pity looks are depressing, yet somewhat comical. They usually come from good friends, family members (who think that my biological clock is ticking loudly--even though I do not hear it at all), or married acquaintances. Friends and family, I can handle. The married acquaintances are the real stressor to my newly single life. It's like in that one look they are saying "yeah, before, when you were in your two year relationship, you were inching closer and closer into our 'married' club, but now you are totally shunned."

The urge to over-analyze does not stop with break-up situations. I have a strong tendency to analyze over and over again on every situation. When the unfortunate situation arises that calls for a hard look at my current relationship, the wheels start turning in my head and do not stop until a very long time after the relationship ends. I don't even worry about if I made the right decision because I don't make rash decisions (usually) but I reassure myself that I did the right thing over and over again.

The worst thing about breaking up is reaquainting myself with single life. I have forgotten how to go to the store alone, I don't know what to do with myself on a Friday night, and I must patch up all of the broken friendships that my monopolizing relationship destroyed. All of the generic advice to fill the time falls flat for me: "start playing a sport," "go out dancing," "remove all traces of your past relationship and burn in in a ceremonial cleansing." Who does that? Oh, and the urban legend that break-ups cause a spring of creativity and the newly single person writes with a renewed sense of purpose. Well, that's garbage. I am still a dry well like I always am around the end of a semester.

Don't get me wrong; I am not sad or depressed that I broke up with Kevin. It has been a month, and I haven't really felt bad about it at all. We are still good friends, but we cannot agree on religion. Does that mean that I am going to move into a convent and marry God, or whoever nuns vow themselves to? Never in a million years.

I should have more time to devote to school, family, and other activities, and I do, but I prefer to be in a relationship. However, even though that desire to be in a relationship is there, I will not sacrifice my time and energy on an unfruitful relationship. So then the question arises, "to date or not to date?" I am not ready to answer that question. Dating for fun is really for sixteen-year-olds who devote themselves to mall-perusing and body glitter. I, on the other hand, am not interested in dating just to date. On the other hand, I do not want to close myself off completely and miss out on some really good guys (even if they are only friends). I just don't trust my judgment anymore. It is like a limp leg that I am dragging around, taking care that no one bother it and watching for any impending damage to it.

This is meandering, at best. It is late and I am tired. You know what I am trying to say.